I’ve been thinking a lot that if I ran the zoo
Teachers would spend more time teaching than they do
Research is OK if it’s done on their time
Or if someone else wants it, let him spend the dime.
I’d also say “phooey” to the inflation of grades
And profs who give As out like sweet marmalades
They’d better be tough; they’d better be true
Or else they’ll be feeling the sole of my shoe.
Next I’d say that when you teach a course
Stick to the fairway; stay out of the gorse
Here’s what I mean and I want to be clear
Your political views aren’t what students should hear.
How our students are chosen – I’ll change that up too
We’ll pay no attention to their color or hew
Forget about quotas or “critical masses”
We’re just going to admit sharp kids for our classes!
Lastly – and you might all say that I’m nuts
I plan to do something that really takes guts
The school may get what amounts to a spanking
But we’ll no longer fret about our US News ranking.
What a college we'll have; what a great place of yearning;
For scholars and students to learn what's worth learning
We’ll steer clear of nonsense and the diversity trap
And hear not a word on that sustainability crap.
The professors will teach and the students will study
With mutual respect – not too buddy-buddy
We’ll go after knowledge like a bear after honey
And do it all without federal money.
